I Had a Shitty Month...

 For the past few days, I've been pondering if I might fall back to old habits; not updating my blog. 

But to be honest, looking back maybe I often felt so discouraged.

Writing has always been a big hobby of mine and for the longest time, I've been wondering why I don't pursue it as much.

Sure, it doesn't make as much of a side hustle but I've always loved the freedom and relief of sitting down and typing away.

I think it's probably because I let my life affect me.

I always am in this LIMBO. One minute I feel good about writing, then some shitty event happened, and then BOOM.

There goes my goal and hobbies.

This week, it's no different.

Truth be told; I had a very rough week. 

Or weeks, should I say.

I won't get too much into it but at the beginning of this month; I was suffering from major anxiety attacks.

Not wanting to get out of bed and dressed up for work, meet people. I stayed at home because I don't want to deal with anyone.

Most nights I would wake up in my own sweats. No nightmares, just a gut-wrenching feeling, imagining the worse to happen, and truth be told; it did.

I couldn't sleep. I cried a lot. There would be random moments throughout the day when I would sob my eyes off, watching sad TikTok videos just to feel validated.

I was stuck.

Realizing I need professional help, I went to see a psychologist and I felt relief and a little pride. 

Despite everything, I was making the right progress in my life.

BUT THEN IT HAPPENED...

Unfortunately, good feelings don't last forever, no?

This week was just ROUGH.

To make a long story short, everything I fear of happened and it left me with a sunken feeling throughout the day.

I didn't feel my 100% and that reflected in all I do.

Then one snarky comment was put out there towards me and I already feel myself breaking right now.

I won't get into too many details (again, respecting the other party) but it was painful to the point I questioned myself.

Am I really that bad? 

It affected my self-confidence. I feel like everything I know about myself turns out to be the biggest lie I told just to feel better for my shortcomings.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING AGAIN...

And yes, I had that similar feeling surfacing again.

I feel ashamed of myself.

And of my weakness. I wanted to curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself. 

But I have my self resilience and psychologist to thank for. I remember why I am determined again to start blogging after so long; to improve myself and find a healthier way to cope with my issues.

And as I am writing this, I do feel ashamed still of my short comings.

Part of me still wants to cry and keep beating myself up.

But I deserve better than that.

Though I still feel the way I do, I know I should continue pushing myself. 

I am allowed to feel sorry for myself but what I am NOT allowed to is to wallow in self pity and loathing.

I am trying to look on the positive side. Maybe in all this, there is some form of light and hope at the end of the tunnel...